Today should be special…

I haven’t written since Sheiky died.  I should have.  I can’t get the picture out of my mind…he came limping back into the exam room, after the vet had inserted a catheter, to make the infusion of the euthanasia drug easier.  Sheiky was holding out that leg.  To me.  Like I could fix it.  And instead, I gave the nod to kill him.

Yes, I know the lymphoma killed him.  But I gave my assent.

I tried for a few days, and knew that I could not live without a greyhound companion.  A month after precious Sheiky died, Kissy (NB’s Kisstheroad) came into our life.  She’s wonderful in every way, and I will post her picture and write about her in a day or two.

But today…

…is the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant.  Transplantees call it a “re-birthday”.  I have beaten every odd as a transplantee for the particular type of lymphoma I had, yet I can’t shake the belief that I made a mistake having it.  I was told I wouldn’t come out of the transplant center alive.  I agreed to the transplant over palliative care because I had a stupid, heroic idea that I could be a lab rat, and give Medicine (yes, the upper case is intentional) a breakthrough in the treatment of anaplastic large-cell non-hodgkins lymphoma.

Instead, I just boringly lived.

I want to be happy about that.  But I’m not.  And then, I am even unhappier that I am an ungrateful bitch because I am not happy.


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